Though You Slay Me

This song has been on repeat lately.  I've been seeing God answer my prayers that He would help me to be broken before Him.  He's answering the prayer that He would do His work in my heart - no matter what it takes.

In the midst of lost dreams and unfulfilled longings, I've been discovering joy that I couldn't even imagine.  It's a struggle to fight the lies and refuse to give in to bitterness.  But in the middle of it all, God is showing me His love and faithfulness.

From a human perspective, it doesn't make sense how someone could have joy while experiencing hard things.  But that does happen, as soon as we begin to value Him above everything and everyone else.

The first prayer in the book The Valley of Vision says it better than I could:

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.
Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;
Let me find thy light in my darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty
thy glory in my valley.

If the valley is what it takes for me to know God better, than that's what I want.  I want to learn to exult in my Savior rather than finding comfort in my circumstances.


"Yet I will exult in the LORD,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation."
Habakkuk 3:18

Five-Minute Friday: Lose

Letting go of dreams is a hard thing.  The last several months have involved watching a long-held dream die.  At first, I was in denial, hoping, dreaming that I could still get it back.  But now it's gone.

Losing this dream was difficult.  But it was also one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Though it I've learned (am learning) to trust my God and love Him more.

At the beginning of the process, I had to learn to trust that God's plan is best, even when I couldn't see it or feel it.  Even when I felt so strongly that my plan was better.

Now I'm being filled with joy as my dream is replaced with knowing my Savior better.  I'm finding that He truly has a better plan.

And even if I never find out the full reason for the loss of this dream, I can say with confidence that God is good.  I can rest in His sovereignty, knowing that He never, ever makes a mistake.

"Jesus I am resting, resting, in the joy of what Thou art!  I am finding out the greatness of Thy loving heart!" 

Jesus, may I trust You more and more!

Five Minute Friday: Miss

When I saw that the word for today is "miss", I immediately thought of what lots of little people call me . . . Miss Mandy.

I love being Miss Mandy.  I love that I get to invest in the lives of little ones.  These kiddos bring so much joy to my life and teach me more than I will ever teach them.

I love it when they see me and their faces light up and I hear "Hi Miss Mandy!"  I love it when they can't wait to tell me about their week and the exciting things they got to do or the things they accomplished.  I love hearing them pray.  Their child-like faith challenges me when they talk to God about whatever is on their minds, completely trusting that He is able to care for them.  I love seeing them develop hearts of compassion for those around them and around the world.

But it also makes me tremble.  I see kids every week who look up to me.  They trust me.  Am I truly living what I'm teaching them?  The way I follow Jesus matters, not just in my own life, but in theirs.  They are watching how I live, and if I walk away from the Truth or live in a way that dishonors God, they will notice.

I long for these little ones to know Jesus better and grow to love Him, and I never want to distract them from Him.  I desire to live in a way that shows them how amazing Jesus is and causes them to want to serve Him.

Only by His grace.

Five Minute Friday: Unite

"Teach me Your way, O LORD, that I may walk in Your truth; unite my heart to fear Your name."  Psalm 68:11

My heart is so easily distracted.  Fears, emotions, dreams, goals . . . all these things often take my focus off of God.

It is so easy to go my own way, not even trying to seek His way.  The temptation to listen to lies from the enemy is strong, and I forget to listen to and walk in His Truth.

In being distracted by all these things, some of which are good things, I look up and realize that I haven't been living my life in the fear of God.

I remember the story of Mary and Martha.  Martha was so distracted by so many things, like service and even her own emotions.  Mary chose to focus her heart on the Truth Jesus spoke.

Lord, let me be like Mary, refusing to be so distracted and instead choosing to listen to and follow You.  Unite my heart to fear Your name. 

". . .but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:42

"When You Don't Move the Mountains"

Broken dreams are hard.  It's part of life, but losing something you've been hoping for is never easy.
Recently life took an unexpected turn for me that meant giving up a dream I'd had for a long time.  Even though in the grand scheme of things, this loss is small, it still hurts pretty deeply at times.

I've noticed that I tend to respond to this hurt in two ways (and I go back and forth between these responses frequently).

My first response is to focus on the hurt.  I think about all the things that will never happen and how someone else will get what I always thought I would have.  I let the hurt build up until it overflows and I have an emotional melt-down or am tempted to become bitter.

The second response is to quick dream up a new dream to focus on.  Maybe if I replace the dream it won't hurt so bad . . .

As I was driving to class today listening to Lauren Daigle sing on the radio, I realized that maybe I have the wrong focus.
It's not wrong to hurt, and it's not wrong to have a new dream.

But what if Jesus wants me to fill the hole not with another dream, but with Himself?  What if He took this away so that I would look to Him for joy and life?  Running to Him for comfort has been a struggle.  I run to so many things before I go to Him.  Perhaps this loss of a dream is meant to help me see that only Jesus satisfies.

It's okay to hurt.  But it's not okay to stop trusting the One who knows all my hurts, loves me deeply, and has promised to work all things together for my good.

"Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have." - John Piper

Five Minute Friday: Decide

There's nothing like a big decision to cause me anxiety.  And there are plenty of decisions to make in life, especially in the season I'm in right now.

Honestly, I'm not so great at decision making.  I overthink, worry, come to a conclusion, and then second guess myself, starting the process all over again.

Then the decision is made (finally) and I move on with life.  Until I look back and wonder if that was the right one.  What would have happened had I chosen the other option?  Did I ruin my life?

In the midst of anxiety, I need to remember two things:  God cares, and He's in control.  

When I'm worried and anxious, these verses bring so much comfort to my heart:

Lift up your eyes on high
And see who has created these stars,
The One who leads forth their host by number,
He calls them all by name;
Because of the greatness of His might and the strength of His power,
Not one of them is missing.

 Why do you say, O Jacob, and assert, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
And the justice due me escapes the notice of my God”? 

 Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is inscrutable.

Isaiah 40:26-28

He knows the name of every single star and holds them up by His great power.  He didn't lose one on accident.  

He knows me.  He cares deeply about all the details of my life that confuse or hurt me.  He knows.

He is in control.  Even if I do make the wrong decision, He's still sovereign over my decisions and His plan will be accomplished.  I can't ruin His plan.

He cares.  He's in control.

Trophy of Grace

"Thy grace can melt the worst sinner, and I am as vile as he;
Yet Thou hast made me a monument of mercy,
A trophy of redeeming power . . ."
-Valley of Vision

In John 4, Jesus meets the woman at the well.  She was so covered in shame that she had to draw her water when no one else was around to see her.  But one day, she met Jesus.  He talked to her - a woman living in sin.  He saw her, loved her, and made her a trophy of His redeeming power.  Jesus offered her living water that truly satisfied.  He gave her life that was so much more abundant than anything could have imagined.  What grace!

She was changed that day, and she couldn't keep such grace to herself.  Because of her testimony, many came to know Jesus.  But what hit me as I read this passage was verse 42, when the people tell her that "It is no longer because of what you said that we believe, for we have heard for ourselves and know that this One is indeed the Savior of the world." 

She had become a trophy of His grace.  Not so that everyone could gaze at her, but so that they would look past her to the Savior.  They would see that He took a shame-filled sinner and gave her freedom and life, and they would look to Him to do the same for them.  They would be in awe of this Savior of the world.

I long for Jesus to make me a trophy of His grace.  I praise Him that He takes the vilest sinners and loves them, transforms them, and brings Himself glory through them. 

What a Savior!